Hello folks! Good to see a good turn out today.. Always a pleasure to do a gig at the local Comedy Club.. Actually today I will not be doing this alone.. A buddy of mine, a .. partner in crime.. if you will, will be joining me shortly. Till then I will try to hold the fort!
The car ride. It is always such a pleasant experience. In this rapid-fire world, just how often do you get to stare at fellow human beings going about their daily lives with utter nonchalance and freedom? Just how often do we get to smell the fresh open air with its below-harmful-contaminants-level ? Just how often do we get to stare at the intricate graffiti on the bumper of a car before you? And to imagine that I get to do all this every single day of the year for an hour in the morning and in the evening... am I not truly blessed? *HORN HORN* Sorry, the traffic has moved forward by 3 and a quarter inches and I must oblige that by moving my car at least one and a quarter inch forward.
* murmuring groans*
Hoping that you all got wind of my sarcasm, you might then ask, 'What about traffic jams? Everybody gets stuck in traffic! How does that make you special?' Well, my dear friend, all I want to tell you is, the traffic jam is the finest part of my day!
Office. My old man once said, if an office does make you want to kill yourself within an hour inside, then stay there your own life. And that's what I did...
I hope you are all done laughing at that joke by now, coz its such a winner on pub-nights!. No? Not even a chuckle? Tough room...
The Boss. I am not gonna complain about my boss here.. I know, I know... I told you that bit about traffic jams being the blah blah of my day ... but did I say my Boss was a prick? I mean, occasionally he likes to sodomize me in front of my team and watch me grin with displeasure, but coming from a well-groomed family, I would say that's part of the job! Both his and mine! So how does that make him a prick? Alright, alright ... you could say that public humiliation is not the best tool to motivate but, my dear naive MBA friends, for doing your job, motivation counts for as much as the fresh load my dog Lucy pops each morning!
Let me break it to you! It is all about fear and money and fear of not having enough money and fear of not having enough money to fund your panic attacks treatment!! As my old man once said, if you ain't panicking then you ain't doing it right!
Oh cmon! That was a killer! Did you forget to take your 'acting like humans' pill this morning?!!
Jetsons. My favorite cartoon. Always been my favorite cartoon. I just love their houses. Huge palatial mansions standing on those flimsy pillars! How cool is that?! And the cars? Woah!! Literally blow my mind every single time! What did you say, you blue shirt over there? Oh science fiction? Who the f**k is talking about science fiction? Do I liiike science fiction? Are you telling me I look like a nerdy f**k who likes sci-f**king-fi ? No-no-no, what you telling me I have 'D**k who watches star wars and talks in Klingon all day to himself' plastered on my forehead? Shut the f**k up! Shut the f**k up!
....Shut the f**k up. Bloody nerds in the house today, folks. No wonder nobody laughed at my old-man jokes. I am sure if I translate that into Klingon and wore a golden bikini, I would be George f**king Carlin tonight..
Okay.. okay.. lets get back a little. What was I talking about before this prick called me a nerd ... oh ya, the Jetsons. The thing about that show is that .... screw it... still got a bad taste in my mouth..
What is it sweetheart? Am I a what? A racist? No I am not! I mean I have strong views on people and dogs and blacks and browns and yellows but .. but I am not racist! I like to think of myself as a strong willed human being who cherishes his inner personality and marvels at how he can be a role model to other whites. Whaat? Did I mean 'be a role model to other people' ? Yes, that's what I said, right? Looks like some-body needs my mom's old hearing aid!
*slight chuckle in the house*
FINALLY! Now we are talking! So my dad struck zero while my mama scores! *more laughter*
Alright.. where were we..
House-work. You know, I am a typical guy. I love my women, my beer, my guns, my dog and my hand-works. *slight laughter* When something breaks around my place, I don't call no f**king handy-man. I am my own handy-man.
Hey! Why are you laughing? Something I said funny? Something about me taking my things into my own hands is funny? Would you prefer if I took your things into my hands then?
CUT THE F**KING LAUGHTER! All you white-collared pricks are the same I tell ya. Hands that are soft as velvet, never lifted a hammer in your lives, never cleaned out horse muck from a barn. Anything breaks? Oh thats fine, I will just call the handy-man and continue sitting on my own ass and drink coke and eat fries. What if I die of a heart attack? That's okay, my cardiologist is number 1 on my speed dial!
You people disgust me. You are all going to die a painful death and I really hope it is with a bunch of french fries in your mouths as you gag.
Ya.. that's better.. No laughing when I talk serious alright? That's how it goes around here.
So, you are all here in this comedy club on a Friday night... So that makes you all suckers in my eyes. Unable to get laid so .. what the hell.. might as well have a few laughs out of it!
But TODAY... today my friends is not your typical Friday night.. today is a special night... Why you ask? Coz I am taking you all on a wonderful trip.
'To where?' shouts a member for the audience.
Where you ask? To ... Hell.
Laugh away you f**ks. Laugh away.. I hope this is what you paid for.. and after you are done, say hello to my buddy here, I call her Sandy. She doesnt like her own name much.. I mean who the f**k will wanna be called 'AR 15' eh?
*incessant firing begins that drowns out all the noise from the shrieks and blood-curling gasps. Bodies fall limply as the mad man progresses from first row onward*
30 minutes later
"From the latest sketchy details that are emerging, it appears like gun violence has struck again! This time in a Comedy Club at Winterfell, California where more than 50 appeared to have been gunned down by a gun-man who was the volunteer comedian for the night. The police are telling us that the gun man also gunned himself. More than 60 people have been critically wounded and have been rushed to the local hospital. The Mayor fears that the toll may rise.. Back to you Robert! "
Thank you Cindy. That was Cindy there, our reporter at the scene. Now moving on to the Spokesperson of 'WE WANT GUNS' lobbying group for his first reactions to this incident.
"Our opinion is very clear from the beginning. If the comedy club had made it mandatory for all visitors to bear firearms for self-protection, this tragedy would not have occurred. The question now is.. how are we going to pressurize Congress to make that come about"
Photo credits : houseofgaia.org