One night at the Country club
‘The human mind is a fickle bitch. You don’t need to be a God or a Godman to know this. Yet every time, we come face to face with this ugly nature of ours, we never fail to feign surprise’.
Now let us take a look at the events that unfolded last night at the Country Club which strengthens my case.
There I was, dressed in my finest suit made of the best fabric from
, quietly sitting and sipping my everyday dose of scotch. As is the habit of every virile creature of 35, I scout for potential visitors to see my powerpuff girls memorabilia collection that adorns my bedroom. Not a great night. Just as the girl with that big nose, was starting to look more attractive than He deemed her to be, I caught sight of that lump of shockingly read hair that I can never forget! Italy
‘Jefferey!!”, I boom!
The lump of red clay turns slowly and I see that freckled face which I had seen each and every day of my college life!
“Frankie! How you doing buddy?”, Jeffery boomed back, his face lit by his thousand watt smile. We then proceeded to hug and make those vulgar and homophobic, incestual remarks that have replaced the conventional handshake between two male friends.
Once both our families had been sufficiently dishonored and the entire Club knew that Frankie and Jeffery were chuddy buddies, we settled down in the nearest booth to calmly sip our scotch and talk about the good ol’ days!
“So how is life Jeffery? Its been so long… ten years eh?”, I ask.
His frowns and says, “Going on..going on.”.
Now to fully understand my next remark, you need some background information. You see, from the age of ten, I have been a very sensitive person. I love to listen to other people’s woes, mainly because I like other’s dirty secrets. Probably my way of my breaking my parent’s strict rules against doing anything dirty. But thanks to my patient ear, people just loved to tell me about their problems and shamelessly reveal the most revolting of actions. Hence I became the walking, talking monument of my friends’ mistakes. So if you ever want to know why Jimmy’s dog Betsy could never walk properly and refused to eat for weeks after that night of popping pills, well you better come to me. Betsy is long dead and I think Jimmy is allowed only one visitor a week.
In my college days, my interest in listening to people made me very popular among the girls. Unfortunately, I was named a queer one by the football guys for this very trait of mine and I decided to accept that name. There was no way in hell, a straight me could get Head Cheerleader, Shanelle to play water ball with me(that’s basically passing a plastic ball in a pool with Shanelle in a bikini. The last part is the most important rule of the game. Come to think of it, the only one!)
So there I was, sensitive Frankie. Now back to my conversation with my ol’ buddy Jeff.
“Why Jeff? What ’s bothering you? Do you want to talk about it?”
“Well Frankie, you always knew how I had a thing for my third cousin, Linda right?”
Of course I knew Linda! That over-good-looking, over-popular queen of the college who was also the football team’s mascot! (No offense to Timmy the bear, the real mascot) Well, Jeffery loved that girl ever since she blew her nose on his white shirt on aunt Martha’s 29th birthday, and she regularly broke his heart with her weekly football ‘practices’.
“Of course, I remember Linda. That slut”, I said, my face contorting in rage.
Jeff replied, “Well I married her…”
“She was always the most delightful girl. Remember the time she …”, I shamefully laugh, trying hard to think about one good thing that girl did in her 4 years at college that did not involve a happy ending..
Jeff saves me and adds, “No need to cover man. She had a little trouble with the law and was forced into rehab(I barely manage to control my ‘You deserve it bitch’ snort). Once she came out, Aunt Linda approached me and asked me to marry her, to save the family’s honor.”
My eyes pop out and I slowly exclaim, “Jeff, that’s emotional blackmail!”
“No man, you know how I have always felt about this girl. I thought I could change her, make her into the woman she ought to have become in the first place”, I nodded sympathetically, silently muttering, ‘you dumb ******’.
I add, “So how is she?”
“Frankie, the question is-where is she?”
My eyes pop out for the second time in less than a minute! “WHAT? Has she been kidnapped?!”
“No Frankie, after the wedding she was clean for a few weeks, life seemed perfect. Then she started borrowing 40 dollars once too often and started frequenting this lady called Sugarbody…”
“Wait a sec, ‘Sugarbody’?!” I shout. Mrs.Tettle turns her ugly head at us and disapprovingly shakes her head, like the time she caught me talking about a certain maple syrup ‘maneuver’ to a friend who was about to get married.
“Ya, she was a chemist of some sort. Had a lab in her garage.”
I mutter ‘you dumb ****** ’ for the second time in less than a minute!
“Go on Jeff...”
“Well she then started talking to this neighbor called Strike and a week later she was gone. With all my money, gold, papers and the most precious possession of mine, my lucky number Mississippi Special Lottery; results due tomorrow morning!”
I nod along, trying hard to bring some sympathy to my face which seemed to be have made its mind to field one of disgust.
“So now I am broke, alone and on the verge of contemplating suicide...”
My cheeks flush and I hurriedly add, “Now Jeff, calm down. Don’t talk like that. Everybody gets broke, dumped and suicidal once in a while, the trick is to drink away your problems and begin afresh the next day!”
Jeff chuckles and says, “No chance of that. I have enough only for this one drink…and Frankie, I really want to talk to you. Tell you everything about the way Linda treated me, how I truly ‘felt’ about her…”
Oh boy, that whole sensitive image is coming to bite me in the ass…I rise from the chair, “Sure buddy, we need more scotch first”
“Thanks Frankie, I will run to the loo”
I slowly walk towards the bar, ruing about the hours of misery ahead, but I guess it was my duty as a friend. Just as I was about to order a bottle, I see something I have not seen in years. All these years have not been able to blur that wet image of… waterballs!
Her head slowly turns in my direction and she drunkenly nods, “Eh? You know me?”
“Of course! I can see you have had too much to drink, why don’t I take you home?”
“NO!! I just broke up with my boyfriend and I need to get back at that cheating bastard!”, she spat out vigorously shaking her chest and reaffirming my waterball connection!
I squirm uneasily and cast a sideways look at the loo door.
I tell myself, “Okay Frankie, you are on the spot.”
‘Shanelle vs Jeffery’
‘Old crush vs old friend’
‘Drunk vs Weepy’
‘Horny vs Suicidal’
‘Waterball vs Linda stories’
“In that case Shanelle why don’t I take you to my place and show you my Powerpuff girls collection?”, I ask with my ever-so-casual smile.