BREAKING NEWS wrecking havoc!
i am a part of the educated 'intelligensia' of our country's fast exploding upper middle class. in fact i am much smarter than the average joe. a fact which i am sure the people who enjoy the privelege of my company will gladly affirm. just like any other responsible 18 year old i do relish spending my long eventless afternoons catching up on the latest news from across the globe, all thanks to the tv news channel boom in the country. i am spoilt for choice! i have CNN-IBN, Times Now, Headlines Today, NDTV-24/7, something called News X and so on. if desi flavor leaves me too hot in the cheeks, i have the bland BBC and CNN spewing out news from Africa to Azerbaijan. No wonder i am so well informed and such an asset at the dinner table.
anyways, as you, a well informed person yourself, would have realized by now, this blog is NOT about my knowledge of the world and my remarkable ability to keep in touch with every issue that threatens to hamper the bubble of static existence that we desire greatly. this blog on the other hand is about the agents of this information revolution, TV News Channels.
What is their problem in life?!
far from spitting out the news and sitting pretty in their flashy studios, they are now spending all their time and effort on singing their own glory and taking a dig at other channels. the recently concluded General Elections seemed to be a grand stage for these self-aggrandizing TV maniacs, each channel screaming out its supposed 'authority' when it comes to issues such as elections and politics. each of these channels has a nice well educated dude who once upon a time did a half-decent job of reading the news without looking like a pretty stuffed doll with a tape recorder behind the back. nowadays these guys are there doing the same job at the all important 9 o clock news! little do they know that the indian janta is far over these gimmicks and enjoys healthy entertainment such as the baas-bahu serials at 9!!
again i am getting diverted. where was i... ah yes.
these poster boys( or rather poster men, they are not so young) wear nice suits and try to put their guests( usually some b-ring politician badly in need of the public eye) in a spot of bother by asking uncomfortable questions. initially i was awed at the sheer guts of these suited-up agents of enlightenment, not afraid to hiss the un-thinkable and consequently the un-askable, to the Indian Netas. thanks to my ablity to logically break down every piece of information, i understood that these guys are actually chickens.
instead of asking ' dude, whats ur poll agenda?' , they love putting it across as,
'Mr.So and so, your party's past performances have revealed that it has the remarkable ability to stay in touch with the pulse of the Indian public. in this context, how do you plan to continue this association which is so fundamental to your political future in the ever-dynamic sphere of political struggle in the largest democracy in the world?'
now, our netas are not the smartest dudes in the country. but thanks to these suited up agents of free and 'fair' information, they seem to have learnt their words well. a typical answer of an indian neta to the confounding question above would be,
'the party has taken important decisions in the general meeting held recently. under the stewardship of shri.so and so 2, our party will free the country of this govt/party.
now, hani would have a back question to this reply, 'oh you think you can do that huh?'
our suited up dudes cannot afford to play it so simple, when the neta has reached the country part, the anchor will shout above him and say ' but, but mr. so and so ' to which the neta will add 'so and so 3 let me finish, let me finish'. the actual reply would be lost in the resulting pandemonium.
now a last issue which threatens to exponentially increase the cases of heart attacks in the country is the BREAKING NEWS phenomenon.
A particular channel, which goes by the name of ....(T**** N**) seems to find every X,Y,Z news in the country to be of 'breaking importance'.
technically speaking, a news can be called as breaking only when the particular instant of its occurence and its occurence itself will forever change the course of life for millions of people. its impact will be so profound that mankind has the right to know it immediately and it takes precedence over everything else, like bass-bahu serials or reality shows. it is the instant of time when all mankind risks putting on the thinking cap to undergo the ardous task of deciphering what it means to him/her.
now frankly speaking guys, please tell me, how does Dhoni saying that he would like rohit sharma to open given his form, classify as BREAKING NEWS!
a fat lady who takes over during these BREAKING NEWS! session will immediately GO OVER to some extra SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT in some part of the world and this is how they talk. if i were to call it hilarious then i would be demeaning humor.
'Your Channel T**** N** has just received classified information from our most well placed sources in the Team India dressing room in South Africa that the hot water tap in the bathroom HAS malfunctioned. this has caused a great deal of discomfort to the players and many of them are reportedly refusing to bathe.'
'In this regard let us GO OVER to our SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT So and So 4 who has been tracking all the updates in South Africa'
(some girl wearing a sleeve less top will come up in a window. she will be mostly tinkering with a ear phone.)
'So and so 4, we are to understand that the hot water tap in the Team India dressing room bathroom has malfunctioned. can u give us the latest on this?'
So and so 4 will nod her head for two secs after the fat lady has spoken and then will say,,
'yes fat lady, we have found out that the hot water tap in the Team India dressing room bathroom has INDEED malfunctioned. a special enquiry commision is going to set up.'
then the fat lady will say,
'As you can see there our SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT there saying that it is INDEED true that the hot water tap in the Team India dressing room bathroom has INDEED malfunctioned and plumbers are on the job AS WE SPEAK. '
in the next ad break, a nice animation will come up,
'FIND OUT! At 9 30 pm today
how the Hot Water Tap issue is going to affect the performance of Team India in the Test Series with our expert panel of So and so 5,6,7.'
GUYS! GIMME A BREAK! ENOUGH of BREAKING NEWS!
sometimes i have to agree
Ignorance is Bliss!